Revised!

I finally got around to revising my first page, as posted here for Michelle Hauck’s first page critique blog hop.  It’s taken a lot of time, a lot of thought, and a lot of quiet to get something figured out, but I think it’s good.  It’s longer, but less wordy, and hopefully, more showy and less telly.  Either way, it wouldn’t be what it is without your input, so thank you very much!

I’ve posted the revision at the top of the original post (clearly marked so you know what’s what), and would love some comments on the revision as well.  Because, you know, we writers are nothing if not insecure.  But on the off chance that you don’t feel like digging back through ten days of blog posts, I’ve also posted it for your reading pleasure below.

***

“Please, your Highness, have mercy.  I beg you.”

“I would very much like to, sir,” Prince Vegin said.

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First page critique blog hop!

The lovely and talented Michelle Hauck is running a blog hop to critique first pages and I am super excited to be taking part!  If you’d like to join in the fun, here’s the post with all the details.  Methinks the first page of The Price of Mercy could use a bit of help, but I’m not entirely sure where, so if you’ve got ideas on what would take it from blah to AMAZING, please, drop ‘em in the comments below!

***

Revision (The revised version is a bit longer than 250 words (think ~280), but I wanted to include everything I covered in the original entry, so you get an extra thirty words of fun).  :)

Adult Fantasy

“Please, your Highness, have mercy.  I beg you.”

“I would very much like to, sir,” Prince Vegin said.  Light filtered into the gallery through twin rows of stained glass windows, exaggerating the poor farmer’s haggard appearance.  “I sympathize with you, but drought or no, you’ve still got taxes to pay.  I cannot simply let you go.”

“Your Highness, I’ll do anything – anything at all – only let me go back to my family.”  Dirty tears carved grooves through the layers of grime on his face, but hope shone in his eyes.

Before Vegin could reply, the chamber’s heavy wooden door burst open.  The prince flinched as his father stalked into the room, the queen trailing behind him.  King Tol’s gaze swept the room as the court fell to its knees.  The guards scattered about the room stood a little straighter, not wanting to provoke the king’s famous temper.  The peasant trembled before him, suddenly afraid for his life.  The prince groaned inwardly – he hated fighting with his father, especially in public.

“Vegin!”  Tol’s voice boomed through the chamber.  “If you’re not going to sentence this man, I’ll be more than happy to do it for you.”

The prince’s eyes narrowed.

Photo 365 #93

Alas, poor pencil, you’ve served me well:

sadpencil

I’ve had this pencil for at least a decade (perhaps slightly longer).  I’ve written more stories with it than I can count, and a fair few books, too.  Sadly, it cannot be replaced – while they still make this particular model, the grip is no longer smooth, but patterned, and it irritates my fingers after a while.  Luckily, I’ve got a backup, but one day it, too, will go the way of its brother, and then I’ll be forced to replace it with the patterned grip pencil that I don’t like.

Of course, the patterned grip is still better than the dozens of other mechanical pencil styles available.

Rest in peace, oh pencil mine.  You’ve earned it.

(c) 2014.  All rights reserved.

Photo 365 #68

I had the day off work today, so I took advantage of the free time and got some writing done.

Like, a lot of writing.  Somewhere in the neighborhood of 2,000 words, if I’m not mistaken.

writeday

This excites me greatly because I’m not always able to get a lot of writing done on my days off and also because I managed to get a bunch of other things (cooking, a load of laundry, a bit of light cleaning) done today as well.  Must be my long-lost time management skills trying to reassert themselves. :)

I hope today was as wonderful and productive for you as it was for me!  How did you spend your day?

Photo Friday: Beginnings

This picture actually features a beginning as well as a middle and an end:

IMG_20141010_120259

The top notebook (as well as the draft beneath it) contains my revisions for The Price of Mercy.  I’m just over halfway through the rewrite/revision process, judging by total page count.  Of course, I still have a lot of work ahead, but I hope I’ll be able to start querying in January.  It’s definitely a stronger story now than when I initially queried it a couple of years ago (I still don’t know what I was thinking then).

But the bottom notebook holds a brand new short story that I started working on late yesterday afternoon.  It’s not as fluffy as my usual work, but I hope it’s good.

Don’t forget to stop by Charnele’s blog and check out her beginnings!

(c) 2014.  All rights reserved.

Photo 365 #55: The Horizon Lies

13761033525_538a505c93_bThe horizon lies
Before me, obscured by fog,
Beckoning me on,

Enticing me with
The secrets concealed behind
Its misty veil. Who

Knows what I might find?
And yet…I don’t want to leave.
The sun-soaked bean fields

Sing in the early
Morning light; everything is
Warm, glowing gold, a

Contrast to the low-
Slung clouds in the distance, their
Icy tentacles

Reaching out to me,
Slithering closer, till the
Light is gone, and what

Little remained of
September’s warmth is gone with
It. And yet, I’m called…

(c) 2014.  All rights reserved.