Another night, but not another dream

I feel stilted. Stunted. Fried. Exhausted, wired, terrified. I can’t sleep, no matter how much I want to. I can’t wake, no matter how much I need to.

My brain spins right round like a record, baby, right round, round, round. It can’t stop, won’t stop, drags me down a rabbit hole. And I spin round and round and round.

After all, I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes. It’s like a vision of love that seems to be true, and there’s nowhere in the world I’d rather be than here in my room, sleeping in my warm cozy bed.

You were expecting something else?

All right, fine. I’d rather be dreaming, but only because it’d mean I could sleep. That I had slept. That I will sleep, long and hard, maybe for a whole week.

Mmm, sleep…

I feel stilted. Stunted. Exhausted. Fried. Wired, wilted, terrified. I can’t sleep, no matter how much I want to. I can’t wake, no matter how much I need to.

It’s gonna be a long day…

(c) 2017. All rights reserved.

Today I’m thankful for…

…in no particular order:

  1. A functional washer and dryer.
  2. All the caffeine.
  3. Good health.
  4. The best husband in the history of marriage.
  5. Cherry pie.
  6. My friends and family around the world.
  7. Wonderful writing groups.
  8. A job that pays the bills.
  9. The car that gets me there (and everywhere else).
  10. Bad jokes.
  11. The small load setting on my new washer, because sometimes you just don’t have enough socks to do a large load of whites.

    Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! I hope your day was full of family, food, and fun!

    (c) 2016. All rights reserved.

    Memories and feelings

    If you haven’t read Justine Manzano’s post about regrets and Facebook memories, go read it. Now. Without it, the following probably won’t make a whole lot of sense.

    Read it? Good.

    Her words about how “Facebook Memories are equal parts fun and annoying” sound so, so familiar. Mostly, I really enjoy seeing my Facebook memories because I’ve always tried to be very positive online. But sometimes even the happy memories remind me of a sad time (my youngest son’s birth, for example, was equal parts joyous and terrifying).

    I’ll see all that positivity when I’m feeling down and think, “Why can’t I be more like that now? I used to be so positive. What happened?”

    The thing about trying to wear such a positive face on the web, though, is that all the smiles sometimes make you see things through rose-colored glasses. You forget all the negative stuff that was going on way back when and how it affected you at the time. How it made you more of a black rain cloud than a ray of sunshine. After all, if everything looks so great, it must have really been that way, right?

    It’s on the internet – it must be true.

    And then…

    Where my heart will take me

    IMG_20140416_183356Don’t stop believin’.
    Let it go.
    Be true to your heart.
    Keep on movin’.
    I’m goin’ where my heart will take me.

    What do these five things have in common, aside from being fantastic songs? They’re words that I find inspiring. But more than that, they’re words I hope to live by in 2016.

    Two more days. In two more days, I’ll be 32. While I officially surpassed my mother’s age back in August, it’s really just hitting me now, as I approach the first birthday she never reached. Perhaps this all seems a bit self-indulgent, but for some reason, I’ve always thought I would leave the world like she did – young, and with things left to do. There was – is – so much I want to accomplish before I die, and I had no idea…

    I feel lucky

    dandyAll kids drive their parents crazy, some more than others. Take Thumper, for instance. He’s my baby, the youngest of my four children, and the reason I can’t have nice things. He’s the reason I started sprouting gray hair before I hit thirty, the reason I’m sick of my own name, and the probable cause for any alcoholism his daycare teachers may suffer from.

    But you know what? He’s perfect. He may be stubborn to a fault and have more energy than any one person should ever have, but he’s also the happiest four-year-old I’ve ever met. He has such a good heart, even when he’s feeling ornery, and he’s so stinkin’ adorable that I can never stay mad at him for long. I am lucky to be his mother.

    For the record, I am lucky to be mother (and stepmother) to three other pretty fantastic kids, too. But I feel especially lucky to be Thumper’s mother, because I almost wasn’t, a fact I was reminded of last night.

    We’ve been having…

    Best Monday ever

    IMG_20140125_172459

    Two of my favorite comforts after surgery.

    So about my surgery…

    I had every girl’s favorite doctor appointment at the end of October.  I’ve been having a lot of on-again-off-again cramping since Cricket was born, and Thumper’s arrival only made it worse.  Intimacy has been difficult, to say the least.  When I went to the doctor, they did an ultrasound and found that I had a cyst on my right ovary.  My doctor wanted to keep an eye on it, so I scheduled a follow-up appointment in early December.  That ultrasound showed no cysts.  Yay!

    But then a couple days after Christmas, I started cramping again, and it was worse than ever.  I was dizzy from the pain, and sweaty and queasy to boot.  I tried walking, I tried lying still, but nothing eased the pain.  The only reason I got any sleep that night was because I took some Tylenol PM.  I cramped all through the night and most of the next day, then I was sore for two days afterward.  It was miserable.

    I managed to get an appointment with my doctor the Monday after Christmas…

    Mix tape memories: The Memorial Day edition

    Yes, it’s another mix tape post.  Have you ever heard the song “Sullivan” by Caroline’s Spine?  It’s a great song.  I was driving home from work one day a couple of months ago, one of my high school mix tapes blaring over the two screaming toddlers in my back seat, and this song came on.  I did a little happy dance in my seat as the opening chords sounded through the speakers, remembering the first time I’d heard the song.

    I was with my friend, Christy, and we were driving…somewhere.  To the Rollerdrome, maybe?  Or cruising Uni?  Or maybe we were just bored and cruising the loop one day after school – I dunno.  Regardless, we were together because we did everything together back then.  Christy had recorded the song off the radio.  One minute we were rockin’ out to “Save Yourself” by Stabbing Westward and the next, Caroline’s Spine was singing about the five Sullivan brothers.   To this day, I find the placement of those two songs rather ironic.

    Remember

    The sky is a beautiful blue today.  Here and there I can see a wisp of cloud stretched out like gauze.  The sun is shining, there is a bit of a breeze, and the humidity is down, keeping the 90° temperatures bearable and keeping my kids in school all day.

    My kids, now there’s a thought.  Today is so much like another September Tuesday that it’s really quite eerie, only I was the kid then.  I was the one getting ready to head off to school that Tuesday morning, under skies that were just as blue, with clouds that were just as gauzy and sun that shone just as brightly.

    That Tuesday was eleven years ago today.

    Circumstantial influence

    Due to circumstances beyond my control, my usual Photo Friday post didn’t make it yesterday. As a result of other circumstances somewhat more within my sphere of influence, I’ve now had time to put it together. Stay tuned – it should be up this afternoon!

    (c) 2012. All rights reserved.

    Redefining extraordinary

     

    This post began its humble life as a comment on my friend Tricia’s blog post “Extraordinary.”  It was late and I began writing, suddenly wide awake.  Pretty soon, I realized that my comment could easily become as long as her actual post if I wasn’t careful.

    I first read Tricia’s post on Griffin’s Quill and I found it absolutely amazing because I’ve been dealing with so many of the feelings she mentions in her post myself lately.  So much of my life is one long, monotonous march toward the end – the end of the laundry, the end of the dishes, the endless cries of, “Don’t do that!” and “Don’t hit your brother!” and “Play nice!” and “Stay in bed, for the love of God!”  It’s dreary and dreadful and mind-numbingly boring some days.  I feel like I’m living in a fog.

    But then, I open a book.