Something awesome

So I checked out Austenbook earlier this week and it is totally and completely awesome. I happened to notice that at the bottom of the page, it said it was inspired by Sarah Schmelling’s Hamlet (Facebook News Feed Edition).  I thought to myself, Hey, I like Shakespeare, so I bopped on over to check it out.  After having read Shakespeare for Dummies and the play synopses located therein, I now have a basic understanding of what Hamlet was about, so I found this rather amusing.  Now I need to actually read Hamlet.  I’ve read several of the other plays and I might even have Hamlet at home thanks to the wonderful Shakespeare treasury I got at the Planned Parenthood Book Fair this spring.  I just can’t remember now if I bought the tragedies or the comedies.  One of the sets was missing a volume, so I left that set there, but now I don’t remember which one I bought.  Oh, well…I hear the bookstores are a wonderful place to be this time of the year…Or actually, any time of the year!

I felt an urgent need to update you all about the awesomeness that is mentioned above, primarily because I felt an intense and urgent need to procrastinate again.  Ah, procrastination, what would life be like without you?  Oh, that’s right…it would suck horribly…

And now to look forward to a weekend full of chick flicks, romance novels, and all things Christmasy!  Woo!

(c) 2008.  All rights reserved.

How to give your cat a pill

  1. Pick up cat and cradle it in your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call spouse from garden.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away.  Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed.  Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat into cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of Scotch.  Pour shot, drink.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check medical records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.
  13. Tie the little %*#**!*# front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table and find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Consume remainder of Scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
  15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

(c) 2008.  All rights reserved.

Stuff and Nonsense

Tomfoolery
I envy cats
the way they creep,
all day around the house
they sleep,
and slumber not at night
but play, and prowl about
no fools are they;
who walk about with silly smirk
as if to laugh at us, who work.
I envy cats
the way they creep,
and think about
the people they keep!
                                                             — Barbara Jean Kissel

Sleepy Kitty    Kitty God   Bored Kitty

Ain’t that the truth?  Oh, to be a cat…I could sleep all day, sleep all night, and do my business wherever, despite the evil looks from the “owner”…Where do I sign up?  🙂

Another Monday, another afternoon wishing it was Friday instead…

(c) 2008.  All rights reserved.

A Lovely Little Story

Once upon a time, there were two teenage girls, Tarah and Kaye. They decided to skip school on Friday and have a day off instead.

“Let’s drive to New York!” said Kaye.

“Okay!” said Tarah. So they hopped into Tarah’s car and did just that. “What should we do first?” asked Tarah as they walked down a New York street.

“Well,” answered Kaye, “if we had any money, we could go shopping, or go see a show on Broadway, but since we’re broke, I guess that kind of rules that out.”

Tarah whipped out her guitar. “On the contrary,” she exclaimed. “As long as I have my magic guitar, we’ll never be broke!” At that, she sat down and began to play her world-renowned composition, “Jenni,” which sounded remarkably like the hit tune “Smelly Cat.”

“Fabulous idea!” cried Kaye. Immediately, people began tossing dollar bills into the guitar case. “So, we’ve got some money,” Kaye said, counting the coins and dollars. “Let’s go to Aida!”

“Ooo, perfect,” replied Tarah.

At the show, a mysterious man suddenly appeared beside Kaye. “Good evening,” he said to Kaye, his voice thickly accented.

“Good evening,” replied Kaye shyly.

The man, who looked to be about twenty-five, looked worried. “We need someone to sing in the show tonight. Would you do us the honors?”

“S-s-sure,” Kaye mumbled, before she knew what she was saying. She mumbled, “See ya after the show,” to Tarah and walked off arm-in-arm with the accented man. Tarah went and sat down in her seat excitedly. Kaye was finally going to sing!

As Kaye ascended the steps leading to the stage, she suddenly took a very embarrassing tumble and landed in the arms of a young man with curly brown hair and the most romantic face in the history of time. Kaye looked up at him and, recognizing him, nearly stumbled again. “Are you okay?” he asked, steadying poor Kaye on the stage.

Kaye just nodded, unable to speak. For the first time in her life, Kaye had stage fright! She finally managed to overcome her shock and find her voice, but when she spoke, it was so quick that her savior had a hard time understanding her. “Oh my God!” she rattled. “My friend Tarah absolutely loves you! Oh my God! She is gonna be so jealous. Aaagghh, I sound like a thirteen-year-old! Oh my God!”

Kaye’s newfound friend just smiled. “My name’s Josh,” he introduced himself.

“Can I introduce you to Tarah later?” Kaye asked.

“After the show, sure,” Josh replied. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I caught your name.”

“Oh, sorry! I’m Kaye,” she said. “I’m not usually like this, but – oh my God! This is the best day ever!”

Josh just smiled. “Okay,” he said, “we’re singing The Prayer as kind of a warm-up for the show.”

Kaye gulped. “Okay.”

The music began and the audience settled down. Kaye opened her mouth to sing – AND – suddenly she sang like an angel! Her clear voice rang like a bell through the theater. (Tarah clapped her hands with joy.) When the song was over, the audience went nuts. Josh and Kaye went backstage together. Kaye suddenly noticed the dark accented man she had met before. He eyed Josh, looking jealous.

Suddenly, Tarah appeared backstage. “I didn’t feel like staying for the show,” she said. Then she saw Josh. “J-J-Josh Groban! Oh, my-my-my goodness!”

Kaye just smiled. “Bet you feel like staying now, don’t you?” she laughed.

“Well, duh!” Tarah exclaimed.

“Josh, this is my friend Tarah, the one I was telling you about,” Kaye introduced them. “And I know Tarah knows who you are!”

“Somebody pinch me!” Tarah exclaimed.

Kaye just started to laugh. “What’s so funny?” Josh asked.

“Yeah, what are you laughing at?” Tarah inquired.

Kaye whispered in her ear, “Remember when Jennie had that dream about having his love child? Looks like you could beat her to the punch, since she’s never met him and you have!”

Suddenly they all died. The End.

(c) 2007. All rights reserved.