In honor of football season and the fall weather that arrived this week, I thought I’d post the latest of Chuck Humeston’s columns from the Iowa Falls Times-Citizen.
Tag: A bit of fun
Punny stuff
Home at last!
Yay, I’m at home! I love being at home because it’s not work. I love my job, it’s just that I’m really loving my home-with-the-family time lately. Also, I’m tired tonight, so it’s a good thing I don’t have to be working right now. Not that I got much done earlier…
But since I’m feeling particularly whiny about the state of tax season this year, I thought I’d write a little more about my lovely ordeal with the Social Security Administration yesterday. I know I already said that I was thoroughly irritated with them by the time I got a real live person on the phone, and here’s why:
• 1:46 p.m. Between my kids, my dad, and the government, it’s been a headache-inducing sort of day, and mine’s a doozy.
• 1:55 p.m. It’s official: I really, REALLY hate calling numbers where you have to talk to a recording. Yes, that means you, U.S. Government.
• 1:56 p.m. “Our automated system can handle many tasks quickly.” No, no it can’t. Shut up and put me on the phone with an actual person already!
• 1:56 p.m. And shut up so I can complain aloud to my coworkers!
• 1:57 p.m. AAARRRGGHH! IT WON’T SHUT UP!!! SHOOT ME NOW!
• 2:02 p.m. “Please say and spell your mother’s maiden name. If you don’t know what it is, just say none.” Seriously? Who doesn’t know that?
• 2:02 p.m. Yay! Hold music! THANK GOD!
• 2:05 p.m. Okay, so this hold music really, really sucks, but at least it’s less annoying than the stupid recording I was talking to a few minutes ago.
• 2:06 p.m. I nearly screamed at the stupid recording when it didn’t understand my name. It’s a freaking letter! It’s not that complicated!
• 2:23 p.m. But I don’t want to paper file my return! I think I’ll try to e-file it again (for the fourth time). Maybe this time it won’t be rejected.
• 2:42 p.m. I can hope, anyway. I really, really hope it won’t be rejected this time. *crosses fingers*
Yeah, my return was rejected. Again. But at least this time I think I know why, and it has something to do with the info I dug up last night that I didn’t know about before, so maybe tomorrow when Randy goes over things again, he’ll be able to fix it and then we can e-file our return and it won’t be rejected and we can get our refund so that we can start doing things around the house again and perhaps I can stop writing in hugely long run-on sentences or maybe not but perhaps.
Also, it’s really cold in here. Again. Like it’s been all the rest of this God-forsaken winter. I can’t wait till June. On the other hand, I saw this really great Heart of the City strip tonight:
Aunt Melissa sent it home with me for Greg. He got a real bang out of it.
And now, off to bed!
(c) 2010. All rights reserved.
Taking the fun out of airplane travel
So today I was going to try and post something more updatey, but I just don’t think that’s going to happen. Instead, I think I’ll post a column I read in the Iowa Falls Times-Citizen this morning that I got a kick out of. It’s funny partly because it’s true, but also partly because the columnist is just plain funny. So, without further ado, Chuck Humeston’s thoughts on flying nowadays!
Flying has become about as much fun as a toothache.
Last week my wife and I flew to Denver, Colorado. It’s a drivable distance, but flying makes the trek across Nebraska almost tolerable. Driving it, you’re tempted to say, “We’re almost there,” but you’re really not even close. I’m sure the last thing General Custer told his men was, “The bad news is we’re totally surrounded, but the good news is we don’t have to ride back across Nebraska.”
So, we decided to fly. If you can figure out airline ticket pricing, then you’re one up on me. I studied a little economics (actually, as little as possible) in college, too, but this stuff defies all logic. It’s like the pricing depends on the moon phase closest to the equinox in the leap year. Lo and behold, I found a cheap price, even out of Des Moines, two weeks prior to our planned departure, and the airplane was even guaranteed to have wings and two engines! So I booked it.
I bought two coach seats. I’ve traveled first class once in my life only because the jet was nearly empty and the flight attendant asked if I would like to sit in first class as no one was there. Aside from that, I’ve never figured out why anyone would want to pay almost double to get there 100 feet sooner than I get there.
Then there’s the “red carpet” option. Once I saw the ticket agent set up the “red carpet” at the gate. He simply tossed a red floor mat on the floor at the entrance. My visions of the “red carpet,” with a brass band at the gate, someone putting a drink in my hand, and carrying my bags for me were dashed. Sure, you get on the jet before everyone else, but you still aren’t going anywhere until the pilot decides he wants to leave.
Then there’s security. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for tight security for air travel these days. But for a long time, it seemed every time I traveled, I got taken out of the line and searched. I mean, they could identify me, but they couldn’t identify the “underwear bomber?”
One time I got taken out of the line, the guy kept pointing at me and then at a table. Was it a sign language? Was I supposed to sit on the table? I finally said, “Look, I don’t know what you want me to do unless you tell me.” He told me to put my bag on the table. “Has anyone, without your knowledge, had control of your baggage?” Is that a trick question? It’s almost like asking, “So when did you stop beating your wife?” Any way you answer it is going to be wrong. How would I know if it was without my knowledge?
We got through security this time, got dressed again, and got on the jet. That’s become an ordeal, too. Since the airlines have decided to get into the passengers’ pockets for each bag checked, more have decided to beat the system by carrying on as many carry-ons as possible. Some people look like they are trying to stuff steamer trunks into the overhead compartments. Last week someone even dropped a carry-on onto my son-in-law’s head!
We spent a good week with our family in Colorado and our son drove us from Denver to the Denver International Airport. How far is that? Let’s just say by the time you get there, you expect to see a sign that says, “Welcome to Nebraska.” I should have driven.
Happy Thursday, all!
(c) 2010. All rights reserved.
Okay, so I’m going to hell…
So I started this post Monday afternoon. Apparently I have a small problem with procrastination.
Anyway, I went to one of my best friends’ sister’s wedding Saturday. I had an awesome time; I had a lot more fun than I expected to have. I got together with three great ladies and I think the last time that happened, we were still in high school. It’s been a while! So naturally, we put off ending the evening as long as possible and went out for supper after the wedding. Jenni drove in her parents’ Tahoe and we had the music cranked; everyone was singing and laughing and it was a wonderful trip down memory lane. Ah, good times, great oldies! Well, actually, it was the latest Gaelic Storm album, but we all rather had a hankering for some “Ice, Ice Baby!” Yeah! I loves me some Vanilla Ice when I’m cruisin’.
It’s too bad we don’t live closer to each other so we could do things like that more often. On the other hand, I suppose it’s the rarity of those type of get-togethers that makes them so special. Jenny, Jenni, and I agreed we should all get together in Iowa City sometime and go out on the town. That would seriously rock…if we ever get around to actually following through on it. I hope we will. Although if Saturday night is any indication, I can’t wait for my bachelorette party (I was promised a much better wedding experience this time around).
*raises a glass* To good times with great friends!
And now I think I’m going to go prowl the kitchen in search of food since I haven’t had supper yet and I might be a tad bit hungry. Ciao!
(c) 2009. All rights reserved.
Lois!
Family Guy Quiz from Dumb Spot!
So apparently I’m Lois, but I’m feeling a bit more Stewie at the moment…
(c) 2009. All rights reserved.
I’ve got sunshine…
…because it’s not cloudy for once. Woo!
Still feeling rather blah today. My head finally stopped hurting, thank God, but I’ve been so tired all day that I nearly dropped off at work this morning. I’ve spent the day gettin’ jacked up on caffeine, so I hope I can sleep tonight. I can’t wait to watch Bones later, so I don’t know which will keep me awake longer, the caffeine or the lovely t.v. that I’ve been anxiously awaiting ever since I saw the preview last week. I don’t remember the last time I got this excited over a t.v. show. Oh, wait, yes I do. It was back when Voyager was still on. That’s right. 🙂
Speaking of Star Trek, I was rather disappointed with the new movie. I loved Chris Pine; I thought he was an excellent Captain Kirk. And when I finally figured out that it was Jennifer Morrison who played his mom (and not just some unknown Kirsten Dunst lookalike-wannabe), then I was tickled pink. I kind of found myself wishing she’d been in it more because I really like her. However, I was more than a little disturbed when they blew up Vulcan and after that, I just couldn’t get into it. I kept waiting for a Year of Hell-type fix at the end where the timeline was restored and everything goes back to normal – I could have lived with that, even though it would be a cheap fix to a bad plotline – but it never came, and that was incredibly irksome. Yes, irksome. Because I can’t think of an adequate swear word. Also because I apparently write in sentence fragments now. And the whole thing where they completely rewrote how Captain Pike ended up in the wheelchair and lost command of the Enterprise? No. Just no. I’ll take The Cage any day, thank you.
And honestly, the Romulans? I was disappointed. They looked nothing like the Romulans I’ve seen. Okay, so I haven’t seen all of the original series or even most of The Next Generation (that I remember), but even in Deep Space Nine and Voyager, the Romulans looked a lot more Vulcan than they did in this movie. These new future-y Romulans looked like normal guys with tattoos on their faces. I found it very distracting.
All that said, though, the movie had its moments. Karl Urban was great as Dr. McCoy. One of my favorite parts was where he kept giving Jim shots and Jim finally had enough and started yelling at him to stop it. That was great. I also enjoyed the part with the Spock, Leonard Nimoy, although I must admit that I had flashbacks of Futurama and the episode they did where Melllvar held them hostage on a forbidden planet and held a Star Trek convention. That was a funny episode.
Okay, so actual work interrupted the posting of this post. Perhaps that’s a little redundant, but I just finished watching that episode of Bones that I had so been looking forward to. And now I’m pissed. I avoided spoilers like the plague for the last six months because after I looked at the story that was in TV Guide – and I shouldn’t have – I wanted to save myself for the episode so that I could fully enjoy it. Boy, did I not enjoy it. I mean, I liked – okay, loved – the whole Booth and Brennan together thing. I loved Caroline being in it because she’s awesome. The woman can deliver a line like nobody’s business. And Sweets was pretty good with his little band; the tie-in to Gormogon was kinda funny. It was obvious that the whole thing was some sort of dream sequence, but when he said, “Who are you?” Oh, man, if looks could kill, my t.v. would no longer be working. I think I even startled Greg a bit because he paused the show just before the dreaded words and he said he thought I was going to give birth for a minute. I didn’t say a thing, but the look on my face was all, “Don’t do that!!!” And then Booth spoke and I decided I had some writers to kill. Well, first I need to find out whose idea it was to blow up Vulcan and hurt them and then I need to find out whose idea it was to give Booth amnesia and hurt them. You can’t fuck with Booth and Brennan, people, it’s sacrilege! This is even worse than blowing up Vulcan!
*hiss*
I have a feeling I’ll be ranting about this for a good long time. Like, all summer until the new season starts. And by God, they’d better fix it. Or else. Grrrr…
(c) 2009. All rights reserved.
Everything you ever wanted to know about running a garage sale
Today was the annual City-Wide Garage Sale in Reinbeck. We had one. Needless to say, it was a long week. We got the garage swept out last Sunday, carried things into the garage Wednesday night, set things up Thursday night, and priced everything last night. We were up till after 11:00 p.m. every night this week and then I had to crawl out of my nice warm bed at 6:00 a.m. this morning to get the signs put up so people would know we were having a sale. The city always puts out a map of people having sales and then they have the maps at Casey’s and Trunck’s. It costs $5 to have your name put on the map, but it’s worth it because then people know where all the sales are. We paid our $5 and when Greg went to Casey’s this morning to get some pop and a couple of the maps, he discovered that they had left our house off. So we paid $5 for nothing. I guess it’s a good thing my signs held up…
So this is how my morning went:
- 7:32 – I would much rather be going around town checking out garage sales than sitting out here in the blistering cold running my own garage sale.
- 7:34 – And by blistering cold, I am, of course, referring to the parts of me not right in front of the heater.
- 8:02 – Come on, people, BUY MY STUFF!!! See? Three exclamation marks. Just buy it. You know you want to.
- 8:05 – My policy should be, “If you look at it, you buy it.” Then maybe I’d get done in time to do some shopping myself.
- 8:06 – I should have brought my computer out with me. Then I would be entertained and my lap would be warm. Yay warm!
- 8:28 – Hooray! A sale of some consequence at long last! Woo!
- 8:35 – It’s always nice to get repeat customers!
- 8:56 – Have officially given up all hope of keeping track of items sold. Managed to get two items on the list before giving up.
- 8:57 – Am now channeling Bridget Jones. Must lose weight. Must also try to forget about yummy Daniel Cleaver.
- 9:18 – I should have a no smoking sign up. Someone came in with a lit cigarette. Yuck!
- 10:01 – There be donuts in the house. Why is it that everything yummy is so bad for you?
- 10:45 – Okay, so it’s not winter-coat-and-coveralls cold anymore, but it’s still darn chilly. And the lovely heater is making me sleepy.
- 12:25 – Our heaters died. 😦 Apparently we blew a fuse. But then it was Greg to the rescue and now the heat has been restored! YAY!! 🙂
- 12:26 – My jaw hurts.
- 12:29 – With my trusty heater by my side, I’ll never be cold again! I sorta feel like I’m camping, but without the s’mores.
- 12:33 – You know, s’mores sound good. I need s’mores. Where are all the s’mores when you really need them?
- 1:01 – Have you ever been high as a kite and then gone garage saling? Well, my neighbor sure seems to enjoy it!
- 1:27 – Please, dear high-as-a-kite neighbor lady, don’t come back till you’ve sobered up. You digging through my knives makes me nervous!
- 1:39 – Tick, tock, tick, tock…Come on, two o’clock, hurry up and get here so I can close up and do something fun!
It’s amazing what brings out the kooks in town. There’s an apartment complex next door to our house and one of the tenants came over to see what we had for sale. “Whoa, it’s like a little store!” she exclaimed upon entering, holding a glass of questionable contents (orange juice for sure, but Lord only knows what else). “Oh, I love your lamp! I want this lamp. I’ll be back for it. You guys have exactly what I need, I swear. You really do. You have everything I need. I’ll be back. Oh, I love this lamp! I want your lamp.” After several painful minutes of her seriously disorganized (I can’t think of the word I want, sorry) rambling, she finally left, only to return about a half hour later with her rather annoying (and awfully overweight) dog in tow. She wasn’t quite as high when she came back, thankfully, but still, when she went pawing through the box of miscellaneous knives, Teresa and I got a little nervous (Greg’s mom came up for the weekend and sat with me through most of the sale). This time, psycho neighbor lady picked up one of a two-pot set (she only wanted the one – they were a buck for the pair), a handful of knives, and a can opener, set them down near the check-out, and went to let her dog relieve itself (hopefully in someone else’s yard). “But I’ll be right back. And I really want that lamp, but if you sell it to someone else, you go right ahead, it’s okay. But if you don’t, I’ll take it.” Gee, lady, thanks; I’m so glad I have your permission to sell my lamp. *sigh* Some people. While she was amusing in her own “special” way, I wasn’t too disappointed that she completely forgot about coming back to our garage sale.
Greg had to work today, so he didn’t get to enjoy watching the people come and go. He did, however, rig something up so that we could still run the heaters after we blew a fuse in the garage. He grabbed his heavy-duty extension cord and plugged it in at the house, then rolled it out to the garage to plug in one of the two heaters we’d been using. That was nice. But apparently we must have blown another one in the house because when I sat down to count the take in the dining room, the light wouldn’t turn on. There’s no way we blew out nine lightbulbs at once, so we must have blown another fuse running that heater. *sigh* Oh, well. At least we were warm.
There weren’t many people out today for the garage sales, not that you would know it from talking to Greg. Every time I talked to him, he told me about the bumper-to-bumper traffic on Randall Street. Trouble is, we’re not on Randall Street! My theory is that people started up on Valley Drive and out in Eastgate and over on Hillcrest and Ridge Streets and then by the time they got done with all the rich people’s houses, they were too tired, too broke, or too tired and too broke to come over to the west side of town and visit our lowly establishment. For Pete’s sake, we had good stuff, dammit! It’s not like we’re in the poorhouse.
Okay, end rant. I just was not real patient with people this morning. I mean, I was, it’s just that I was dissatisfied with how long they were taking to get out to our house. Our biggest crowd consisted of four people who happened to wander in at the same time. And then there was one lady who came in with her kids and her son was just a terror! He was tearing things apart all over the place and she really wasn’t a lot better, but then she was just like, “Well, come on, we’re going,” and didn’t reprimand him once or tell him to behave and keep his hands to himself or anything. And then he wanted a toy and she wouldn’t buy it for him because it was part of a bag and he only wanted the one, so he threw a temper tantrum, clearly expecting it to work. If I’d behaved like that, my mother would have given me the spanking of a lifetime when we got home. She didn’t buy him the toy, at least, and I was glad when they were gone.
There were a couple people that came in like that, who were worse-behaved than the kids. That always gets me. This one gal came in with her sister and they were looking at Greg’s Jeff Gordon jacket. The one woman ended up buying it, but her sister was trying to talk her out of it. She used the very tips of her fingers to pick it up and look at it quick, and then she asked if we had any hand sanitizer she could use. She dropped the jacket in a heap on the table and then brushed her hands together, as if the jacket was filthy and she couldn’t stand the thought of being contaminated by it. She said if it had been a Dale Earnhardt, Jr. jacket, she would have been all over it like white on rice and I thought, “Gee, lady, aren’t you a little old to be acting like a middle schooler?”
Hmm, it seems that the battery in my laptop is about to go dead, so I should probably wrap this up. I have a headache anyway and need to go take some more something for it. Some food, perhaps; all I’ve had today were a handful of Mike & Ike’s and a few slices of summer sausage, washed down with a lovely bottle of Dr. Pepper, because clearly, I’m a health food junkie.
Oh, and happy Mother’s Day!
(c) 2009. All rights reserved.
Virtual smoothies
Mmm, smoothies…yummy!
Today is such a lovely day. It’s a perfect day for an ice cream cone. I may just buy one on my way home from work. A lovely strawberry one, in a sugar cone…Mmm, it doesn’t get any better than that!
How I wish I didn’t have to be cooped up in the office, strapped to my desk. It’s such an inviting day out there and I long to be part of it. The sun is shining, there’s not a cloud in the sky, the temperature is soaring (along with the humidity in anticipation of the impending storm)…Must I stay here in this artificial, climate-controlled edifice? I think not. But there are no errands for me to run, so boo. Oh, if only there were errands to run, then I could go for a walk. And who knows? I might forget to come back. 🙂
Ooo, ooo! We got our pictures back! Apparently they came in quite a while ago, but the photographer never called us to let us know we could pick them up. Jerk. But they were worth the wait, so I’m super-excited. As soon as I get the software for my lovely printer/scanner/copier loaded on my laptop, I intend to get them scanned and then you know I’ll post them. This means I have to get to work on the announcement so that I can get it sent in to the paper for pretty publication. *so much squeeing, you don’t even want to know*
Okay, I think I’m done now. But it’s just so pretty and loverly that I can’t help but be in a good mood! Also, I cruised the loop in Reinbeck last night with the windows down and Eminem up. Totally felt 17 again. The only thing missing was someone else over the age of 6. Actually, after I picked Rachael up, I changed the song to a more family-friendly Barenaked Ladies song. You can’t go wrong with a song named after Brian Wilson.
Alas, I suppose I should quit procrastinating and daydreaming and such and get back to doing actual work. Happy weekend!
(c) 2009. All rights reserved.
Another distraction
I’m bored today, so I thought I’d post the 25 Things About Me that’s up on Facebook. If you’ve read it once, you don’t have to read it again, but I made a few changes. If you haven’t, I hope it makes you laugh. And now,
25 Things
When I graduated high school I did one of those “Where will you be in five years?” survey things. I am so not where I thought I would be, but I wouldn’t change a minute of it.
I’m not funny. Sometimes I try to be funny, but it doesn’t work. Only the crickets applaud.
I love bad jokes. For instance, one of my favorites goes like this: Two fish were in their tank one day. One turned to the other and said, “You man the guns. I’ll drive.”
I began playing the flute when I was ten. My dad told me I wouldn’t be allowed to give it up till I made it to Carnegie Hall. As I was sitting in an informational meeting for people in music performance groups my freshman year of college, they announced that the Wind Ensemble would be performing at Carnegie Hall during Tour Week that spring. Alas, I was in the other band. I guess I can’t quit playing yet. 🙂
I want to be a famous author. I only have one problem: I have yet to finish a story.
I am my own worst critic.
The older I get, the less tolerance I have for slow drivers. The speed limit is 55, folks. You will not get a ticket for going the speed limit. Either drive the speed limit or get out of the way.
I despise the cold and yet I will probably never leave Iowa. Not because I can’t, but because anywhere else would be too different. I certainly want to travel outside of Iowa, but I can’t think of a better place to live.
I don’t feel 25. I feel like a 14-year-old trapped in a 95-year-old body.
I am well on my way to developing an ulcer and arthritis. See above.
In my fantasies, Mr. Darcy is not just a fictional character.
It’s a bit difficult to take this thing seriously. In fact, I probably wouldn’t be doing it at all except that my sister tagged me in hers and I’m bored.
I am tax girl. Hear me roar!
The fact that the Star Trek Experience is no longer in Las Vegas is extremely disappointing. Did I say disappointing? I meant to say that I was distraught beyond (polite) words. I was so looking forward to it!
I am apparently claustrophobic. I found this out after a stint in the trunk of Jenni’s car. And by stint, I mean I started pounding on the lid to be let out just as soon as it was closed.
A short time ago when my baby was still an actual baby, I was fascinated by his ability to sleep with his eyes open. I was also fascinated by his smiles when he was asleep. So cute!
California can keep its earthquakes and Florida can keep its hurricanes. I’ll deal with the threat of tornadoes. They make for much more interesting movies.
The sun shining on the courthouse square is one of the most beautiful scenes I’ve ever seen, no matter what time of year it is.
I am easily distracted by shiny objects. The one on my ring finger, for instance.
I cannot type today. This annoys me incredibly.
I love the Backstreet Boys. And *N SYNC. And BBMak. And 5ive. And Westlife. And maybe O-Town. Definitely 98°. And probably every other boy band popular in the late ’90s and into the early 2000s.
Except Hanson. I hate Hanson. I loathe them. And notice that this is not the past tense; I still don’t like them! MMMBop is quite probably the worst song ever written, in this or any language. Except for possibly The Macarena. I cringe at the mere thought of it!
I used to think I was very well-read; I was always reading something. I don’t think that anymore, primarily because instead of reading new books, I just read the same ones over and over and over again. Thank God they finally reprinted Time Enough for Drums by Ann Rinaldi because I think mine was the only number on the library card for the copy they had at the Reinbeck Library.
I randomly quote Facebook flair in daily conversation. For instance, “Don’t hit kids. No, seriously. They have guns now.”
I am a secretary. We secretly rule the world. You should try it sometime – it’s exhausting!
(c) 2009. All rights reserved.

