Zandoor
Artwork by Hazel Butler
Hoo boy, am I ever tired! I finally finished reading the Query Shark archives last week and boy, did all that education wear me out. Two hundred and sixty-six queries, plus revisions, plus comments. Talk about a learning experience! That and the comments I received as part of Michelle Hauck’s query critique blog hop have really helped me shine up my query. And further brainstorming led to a name change for my MC.
Behold, my new and improved query:
Dear Super Agent:
Nineteen-year-old Prince Zandoor is expected to follow in his father’s corrupt footsteps. His first task: Marry a wealthy noblewoman and fill the royal coffers to the brim. But the prince has other ideas.
When he falls in love with a peasant named Lipei, his father threatens to deny him the crown and live forever. Zandoor doesn’t doubt his father’s threats. Magic was banned a millennium ago, but the king possesses a youth potion and has no qualms about using it. Despite this, Zandoor insists that he will marry for love or not at all.
But there are bigger problems facing the kingdom than succession.
A long-simmering rebellion threatens to explode into all-out war after the king executes an entire village. Led by Lipei’s brother, the kingdom’s malcontents demand revenge on the royal family, and they don’t care which member pays the price. If Zandoor can’t find a way to atone for his father’s actions, his throne won’t be the only thing he loses.
The Price of Mercy is a 100,000-word work of adult fantasy. I earned an Associate’s Degree in English from Marshalltown Community College and work as a legal secretary. My short fiction appears in the anthology A World of Their Own, forthcoming from Kristell Ink in 2015. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Kay Kauffman
So, what do you think? Is it better, worse, or about the same as before? Let me have it in the comments!
(c) 2015. All rights reserved.
Suddenly they all died. The end. 
I like it. The only thing I might suggest is changing the last paragraph. “The Price of Mercy is a 100,000-word work of adult fantasy.” ~ as it’s own paragraph. And, then the bio separately. Otherwise, it’s a winner!
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I went back and forth on that – it seems a little odd on a line all by itself, but if I add anything about the themes and such after it, then it seems redundant. Thoughts?
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I like what Roger said about taking the line out altogether. But if you leave it, I think it’s okay on a separate line. Good luck!
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Thanks! I’ll need it. 🙂
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Lovely read! Just wrote a book review on John Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men. You may want to check it out : )
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Thanks!
I actually never liked Of Mice and Men. Everyone I know loves it, but I’ve read it twice now and still dislike it. Steinbeck just wasn’t my cup of tea. Did you like it?
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Haha I liked it though! I guess it’s always nice that we love different books, so that we can introduce each other to different styles.
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Sometimes I reread books I didn’t previously like to see if my opinion has changed. It worked for The Scarlet Letter; maybe it’ll work for Steinbeck, too! 🙂
I did actually like East of Eden. That was the first of his books I read that I enjoyed. I remember liking Travels With Charley, too, but I can’t remember what it’s about now for the life of me. 🙂
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Very swish. You might delete the 100,000 word part as all publishers expect at least that in a full length book. Otherwise, excellent.
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Thanks! 100k is currently a placeholder – I expect it will be at least that once I finish my rewrite, and possibly a bit more. But I’ve still got a long way to go before I’m finished. Maybe I can start querying again this summer… 🙂
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Go for it. I’m going to do same with Book of Pain.
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