Another wild Wednesday

It was a wild Wednesday. Most Wednesdays are, but between weather and kids’ activities, today was more wild than most.

So because it’s late (again), and because I’m tired (as usual), a meme (or two) is all I’ve got.

How was your Wednesday?

(c) 2019. All rights reserved.

Deep Thoughts

What do you say when fear rules your thoughts? When you’re afraid to ask a question because you’re afraid you won’t like the answer, how do begin a dialogue?

Nothing. You say nothing.

What do you say when the conversation’s over? When all the laughing stops, how do you get it started once again?

Nothing. You say nothing. Because sometimes, you can’t.

What do you say when you fear to know the truth? When you’re afraid that the lies your brain tells are true, how do you separate reality from falsehood?

Nothing. You say nothing.

How do you put fear in its place when it looms so large beside you, behind you, before you?

I really, really, really wish I knew.

I live in fear. I think I always have. There’s so much in this world to fear, after all – rejection, failure, acceptance, success. I fear to know the truth; I fear to know the lie. I fear the lie is true and truth a lie.

I fear. I fear. I fear.

I dream, I hope, I long for things I know I’ll never have, and all in an attempt to subvert the fear, to free my heart and mind. Living in fear is exhausting and wreaks havoc on your mind and body. I no longer want to live in fear, but I have no idea how to put it all behind me.

Fake it till you make it has not always worked well for me.

I try to be positive, so I want to end this on a high note, but I don’t know that there is one. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again is rather a cliché at this point, but perhaps that’s what I need to do. Just keep on trying.

Just keep on swimming.

(c) 2017. All rights reserved.

Brain dump

They move in the mist,
Creatures of old-time myths.

***

She clung to the cup.
Her frigid fingers curled round the paper,
Desperate to draw
The last ounce of warmth
From the lukewarm liquid sloshing inside
As she scurried from building to building
In the bitter fall rain.

***

I want to be the next Great American Novelist.
I want to write great litrashure.
“You’re a great writer. You just have to find your story.”

***

I’ve been writing in fits and starts for three months now. In a burst of inspiration, I jot down the brilliance (because let’s face it – when you’re a writer and the spirit moves you, it (whatever it may be) is always brilliant) that comes into my head like medieval grace. But then, hours or days or sometimes weeks later, when I return to it, the grace is gone, and I can no longer remember where I was going with what I had written.

Not having finished anything is starting to really irritate me. The only things I’ve managed to finish writing have been for class assignments, and those were only finished with much wailing and gnashing of teeth as the deadline approached (and occasionally, as it whooshed by).

I imagine it’s going to get worse before it gets better, what with taking more classes next semester than I did this semester, and I suppose I’m going to have to accept that fact. I wish I hadn’t been so dumb the first time I did college. I wish I hadn’t let fear of failure rule my life. I was afraid I’d never make new friends, I was afraid my relationship would wither and die and I’d be all alone in the great big world, a little girl playing at being a grown-up. I think I was also afraid of success and sabotaged myself before I had the chance to succeed.

They say hindsight is 20/20, and they’re definitely right, but I wish I hadn’t always had to do things the hard way. Hopefully I won’t continue to always do things the hard way.

College in your thirties is definitely hard, especially when there are so many things you want to do that you can’t because you have a family and a job and so many things that require your attention. College in my twenties would have been so much simpler. Even if I still couldn’t have done all the things I wanted to do, at least the demands on my time were fewer.

Thank goodness, I guess, that I’m a self-directed learner.

Also, thank goodness for caffeine. Because without it, there is no way I’d have made it through this semester and no way I could make it through the upcoming ones.

All glory to caffeine! 😀

(c) 2017. All rights reserved.

Internal Monologue

Go on, then, smile.

Come on – give us a smile.

It’s not that hard. See? You just part your lips a bit. Show off those pearly whites.

What do you mean, you don’t feel like it? You used to smile all the time. You were the smiley girl.

What do you mean, everything’s changed?

Come on – give us a smile. It won’t hurt. You can do it – it’s not hard. You might even like it.

Go on, then, smile. For old times’ sake. Just smile.

(c) 2017. All rights reserved.

Beginnings

brainExcuse me, but I’d like to engage in a bit of a brain dump. Here, then, are some things that have inspired me, made me laugh, or just sort of poured out onto the virtual page in the last week or so.

Please to enjoy.

“And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.” -Lennon-McCartney

“You trace your lineage back centuries, back to the Puritans of ancient New England, but we can trace it further.”
I’ve been feeling the sci-fi vibe lately, and this struck me as perfect for an aliens-invade-America kind of story. Don’t ask me why. 🙂

“It’s easy to quit on a relationship when the going gets tough; it’s much, much harder to react with grace for those who’ve committed such a grievous offense against one who is supposed to love, honor, and cherish you till death do you part. Forgiveness is not always easy.”
This was in reaction to an open letter to Hillary Clinton. I’m not a fan, but aren’t we tired of hearing about her marital problems by now? (For the record, I’m even less of a Trump fan, and no, I don’t know who I’m going to vote for yet. Trolls be warned: I tolerate no mean-spiritedness here and I’ll disable comments if I have to (but I really don’t want to, because this post is not about politics).)

Everyone thought the world would end in a great, fiery bang. My grandmother thought so, my mother thought so, even I thought so. But we were wrong. The end of the world was anything but.
This came to me this afternoon. This has the makings of a funtastic story. This is all you’re getting on it for now. 😉 😀

Also? I don’t know about you, but now I have “It’s the End of the World As We Know It” stuck in my head on an endless loop.

And finally, here’s a bit of cuteness from my not-so-little Cricket:

Someday I’m gonna name my kid Aaron Furzy because that’s a beautiful name. And if my wife wants to make it something else, then she can do that. -Cricket

How about you – what’s inspired you lately?

(c) 2016. All rights reserved.

Camp what?

So sometime last month (I think), in a fit of enthusiasm, I signed up for Camp NaNoWriMo. It’s essentially the same as the November event, but with more flexibility regarding word counts. And cabins (hi, bunkies!). And it’s a lot of fun.

But it’s seven days into the camping season and, so far, I haven’t written a word. (I have gone actual camping, but that’s another story for another time.) As a matter of fact, I switched projects. After realizing that I wasn’t sure exactly what I was trying to do with the novel I’ve spent years tinkering with, I shifted gears and moved onto something else.

I made a decent start on a new/old story and got a little feedback that had me second-guessing pretty much every aspect of my writing life. I got similar feedback on something else, which led to third-guessing my ability to write professionally, period. Then I tried to eat my weight in chips, fiesta ranch dip, and parade candy.

Suffice it to say, it’s been a rough week. Month. Whatever.

And it seems it’s not just me having a rough time of it lately. Between Brexit and the upcoming election here in the States, it seems a little like the world is trying to tear itself apart. Yesterday I read three different posts about people being tired. And not the usual, “Oh, I had a late night,” kind of tired, either. I’m talking the kind of existential exhaustion you feel in the marrow of your bones, the kind that makes you wonder why you even bother to get out of bed in the morning, let alone face the world. The kind of weariness that tells you that dreaming is hard, and it’s just not worth the effort, and the odds of success are astronomical, so why even try?

I’ve avoided the news for months now because paying attention to it depresses me. I joke about living under a rock, but the truth is that it’s quite nice here. Then I log into Facebook, and see things about how politics are destroying friendships, and my heart hurts. I was actually nauseated a week or so ago after reading that someone I consider a good friend had been deeply hurt by someone she considered a close friend, but whose politics differed greatly from hers. I was left reeling, and it wasn’t even my friendship that had been broken.

Why can’t we all just get along? I wondered.

This post is the first thing I’ve written in some time. You see, I’ve become paralyzed by fear. And I hate it. I’ve been inspired to write before now, but the Doubt Monster always crept in, whispering fearsome things and stilling my pen, relaxing my fingers. Doubt is a slimy, scaly beast, and I’m tired of tangling with him. Fear is his even uglier bosom buddy, and I’ve had it with him, too.

So this is me, trying to rid myself of the Ugly Twins, trying to break free of the paralysis. The silence round these parts will likely continue for a while, but I hope it won’t be quite as quiet as it has been lately. If I’m still, I can almost feel the fire stirring inside me again, the fire to write, to live, to be instead of to do. My embers are slowly warming, and one day soon, a crackling blaze will light my blog again.

In the meantime, though, the coals are perfect for s’mores…

How is summer treating you?

(c) 2016. All rights reserved.

First World Problems

Mara Eastern recently described a lousy Christmas, and it reminded me of something similar that happened to me back around Thanksgiving. After leaving a lengthy comment on her post, I thought, “Hey! This might make a funny blog post!”

Thus the following was born. 🙂

Similar to ours

Similar to ours

My husband’s been away for work during the week for the past two months, so naturally, he took a few homey things with him to make his hotel room feel less hotelly. One of those things was our very nice can opener. Silly me, I didn’t even realize it (or our salt and pepper shakers) was missing till he’d been gone for a month and I wanted to have chili. But I didn’t want to spend a whole lot on buying a new one since we already had a really nice one. Still, the craving for chili was not to be ignored. And since I needed tomato juice, too, I stopped at Fareway on my way home from work.

After wandering the aisles for a good ten minutes, I finally tracked down their cooking utensils. They had all of one can opener in stock that night, and at $1.97, the price was just right. Still, I had to wonder about its quality. But a trip to Walmart was out of the question because it would make me late picking the boys up from daycare, so I pushed my doubts aside and headed for the check-out.

canopener

Similar to el cheapo can opener

Twenty minutes later, I’d picked up Cricket and Thumper up from daycare and made it home. It was a blustery night, perfect for chili, and I couldn’t wait to have some. I got the boys in the house, grabbed the beans and hamburger from the basement, and set about making supper. While I waited for the hamburger to thaw, I decided to get the beans opened and drained.

But of course, nothing ever happens easily on a Monday.

I opened the first can of beans without any problems. I daydreamed about the delicious chili I would soon be eating; I could already smell the chili powder and the cooking meat. I could almost taste the soup’s spicy tang. I could almost feel the tomato juice’s velvet touch as I swallowed imaginary spoonful after imaginary spoonful.

But halfway through opening the second can, reality came crashing back upon me. Part of the can opener snapped off as I turned the hand crank. The whole thing fell apart in my hands.

Well, crap (and many other colorful words). Now what the heck was I supposed to do?

Perfect for opening cans of juice, but not so much for beans

Perfect for opening cans of juice, but not so much for beans

By this point, the closest store was closed for the night. I considered using a church key to open the rest of the cans, but quickly discarded the idea. There was no way I’d be able to shake all those beans out of the tiny little holes a church key would make. Even if I could have shaken them all out, it’d have taken all night. Too bad I hadn’t been opening the tomato juice – then I’d have been fine.

*sigh*

Oh, can opener, thank you for not breaking on me!

Oh, can opener, thank you for not breaking on me!

I got my chili eventually, after spending a few more dollars to buy a decent-quality can opener, but I’m still annoyed about the stupid cheap one that didn’t even last five minutes. I hate wasting money like that, even though part of me knew it wouldn’t last. And now that it’s freezing cold here again, chili is starting to sound really good for supper tonight… 🙂

Have you had equipment malfunctions ruin a much-anticipated meal? How did you cope?

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope 2016 is treating you right! 🙂

(c) 2016. All rights reserved.

More things I like

IMG_20130828_121254And now, because I thought of a bunch more things I like after my post the other day, here are some more things I like:

  1. A clear sky full of stars.
  2. Sunny days.
  3. Singing (badly) ’90s boy band songs in the car at the top of my lungs.
  4. Learning everything.
  5. Watching my children sleep.
  6. Pickle wraps.
  7. Lazy weekends.
  8. Listening to Cricket and Thumper “read” stories to me.
  9. The smell of old books.
  10. Bad jokes.

What about you? Share some things you like below!

(c) 2015. All rights reserved.

Photo 365 #166: The Dentist

dentist

Too bad I prefer Aquafresh to Crest…

I had a dentist appointment this morning.  I hate going to the dentist.  He’s very friendly, all his staff are lovely, and I have pretty good teeth.  Why, then, should I loathe these visits so much?

The cleanings drive me nuts.

Some people shiver at the sound of a dentist’s drill.  I shiver (and cringe and tense up) at the sound of the hygienist scraping the plaque off my teeth.  By the time she’s finished, my hands are tired and sore, my shoulders are wrecked, and I have a raging headache.

And that’s with my normal (read: preferred) hygienist.

The one I had today…