I have discovered that torture devices are alive and well in the 21st century. I had a particularly close call with one this morning. It taunted me with its promises of better health and weight loss and for thirty agonizing moments, I succumbed to glorious images of a new and improved me. Then, hot, sweaty, tired, and in pain, I wondered incredulously what the hell I had been thinking. Obviously it had some sort of mind control powers that it failed to mention or it would probably not have succeeded in keeping me in its clutches for as long as it did. In future, I will know better than to heed its siren song and fully intend to steer clear of it and any and all like devices. What is the device of which I speak, you may be asking yourselves, so that I, too, can avoid them? The answer, friends, is simple: the elliptical machine.
Yes, I have begun in earnest the workout regimen that I’ve been promising to start for at least the last two years. I somehow managed to break free from the lovely warmth and comfort of my cozy bed at 5:45 a.m. this morning and engage in an arduous workout. By arduous, of course, I mean that I set the thing to level 2 and spent thirty minutes whining about being bored, thirsty, hot, cold, tired, and sick while struggling to breathe through my nose for the first time in days. That’s right, folks, I’m a pansy and a whiner.
But of course you already knew that.
My goal is to get into better shape and lose all the weight that I’ve gained over the last year. Ideally, this will happen prior to September 26, but I suppose that’s too much to hope for. Maybe I can just lose most of it by then.
I still hate mornings, though, and getting up at the ass-crack of dawn is sooooooooooo not my idea of a good time. In fact, working out in general is not exactly my idea of a good time, in case you couldn’t tell. I love riding my bike and going swimming and taking walks, but those are all rather difficult to do in the middle of winter. Oh, sure, I could join a gym and do all of those things inside, but then there would be no mosquitoes to swat away, no sunburns to deal with, no bratty kids to shoo out of my way in the pool, no excess of heat and humidity…Why haven’t I joined a gym again yet? Oh, right, because then I would miss out on enjoying nature. Because I’m such the avid naturalist and all-around outdoorsy type. Right.
Maybe in my dreams.
Rachael cracked me up this morning. She came downstairs as I was about halfway through my half-hour of torture and sat down at the table to watch me, positively enthralled by what she saw. Whether it was the idea of me working out or the fact that she had no idea what it was I was doing that kept her attention riveted on my ever-reddening face, I’m not sure. “You look tired,” she said. I gasped my agreement. “I would be done now if that were me,” she continued. I stared at her for a moment, not sure whether to laugh or cry, then told her to go play. Greg told her that people don’t like to be observed while working out, which is true for me because I’m always afraid I’ll look like an idiot, even when I’m the only person around. I asked him if he heard what she’d said and he replied that he hadn’t, so I told him. He laughed. Then he came out and said that I didn’t look as bad as he thought I would. Apparently that’s supposed to mean that I’m in better shape than originally thought, despite the fact that I get winded running up the steps to the clerk’s office at the courthouse every day (I’ve been doing it for three years now, so you’d think I’d be used to it, but you would be wrong; and lest I make it seem like that’s a small amount of stairs, there are somewhere around two dozen steps just to get into the courthouse, then three more flights up to the clerk’s office). I could probably have phrased all that better, but my brain seems to have fallen asleep from all that exercising I did this morning.
In other news, the sinus infection that’s been threatening for so long finally hit with a vengeance on Friday and I spent Saturday on the couch. I spent most of Saturday morning asleep. Yay sleep! We went to Ankeny this weekend and did lots of wedding planningy type things, such as picking up my wedding dress. YAY!!!!!! Then I (accidentally) got super-drugged-up on cold medicine and Excedrin and felt like a space cadet all of Sunday. A word to the wise: Don’t mix two NyQuil liqui-gels with three Excedrin and a muscle relaxer. Bad things will happen. It was much less fun to go shopping and try on pretty dresses in my drug-induced fog than I had originally anticipated. But I still have to have it bustled and there are still other dresses to pick out, so I suppose I can deal with it.
Yay wedding dress! 🙂
I finally got around to sending my cell phone in to be fixed. I guess I procrastinated a bit with that. You would think I would have gotten it taken care of right away and I did try to do just that, but then I got lazy. Now I have to wait four to six weeks for my pretty pink phone to be usable again. Stupid phone breakage.
And in laptop news, we finally gave up on waiting for Dell to send the cds they promised to send. They kept pushing back the ship date and when Greg called to find out why, they told him they had the cds in stock (and they weren’t on back-order like he’d been told before) and they didn’t know why they hadn’t been sent out. *looking very earnest* They promised to send them out right away, overnight even. They still never arrived. So we finally managed to get them to send us prepaid shipping labels and we shipped it back to them. Once they’re satisfied, they’re supposed to send me a new one with the right operating system on it. It will probably be another month at least before that happens. Stupid Dell. Their computers are great, but their customer service really sucks.
My God I’m tired! I blame the early rising this morning, the muscle relaxer I took after my lovely warm shower, and the stupid sinus infection that won’t go away. And by won’t go away, I mean that the two doses of antibiotic I’ve taken haven’t managed to banish it yet. WORK FASTER, MEDICINE! I WANT TO BREATHE!
*sigh* In the meantime, I suppose I had better get back to work, although I’m really not sure what it is that I’ll do to pass the time and keep from falling asleep. I felt rotten enough yesterday that I toyed with the idea of calling in sick today so that I could stay home and rest up from the weekend, but I’m a goody-goody, so here I am. At work. Where I’m supposed to be working but am blogging as a way to put off doing anything even remotely productive instead.
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4 thoughts on “Modern torture devices”
Oh, right, because then I would miss out on enjoying nature. Because I’m such the avid naturalist and all-around outdoorsy type. Right.
Okay, that made me LMAO. Hilarious!!
Yay, an update! I was checking obsessively when I needed a reason to procrastinate earlier. Hope you feel better soon! And give the elliptical another try… I LOVE the elliptical! And suck at all other types of exercise. Except there’s no way in HELL I would get up at five-forty-five in the morning to do it. If that were the case, it’d never get done.
Except there’s no way in HELL I would get up at five-forty-five in the morning to do it. If that were the case, it’d never get done.
Soooooo not my favorite part of the morning! But I was up at it again this morning and it actually seemed a bit easier. Then again, that might be because I dropped the resistance level down to the lowest setting. But in my defense (because that last bit makes me sound like a bigger baby than I actually am), I finally settled in at the second-lowest setting yesterday. It’s not that I don’t like the elliptical, I do, it’s just that I’m typically against exercise in general. Also, I suck at most – okay, all – forms of exercise known to man. Except for maybe marching band. Because really, if marching up and down the hills of Gladbrook playing a wind instrument isn’t exercise, I don’t know what is! 🙂