Yep, that’s right, I’ve been working on my pitch for The Lokana Chronicles again. Though (as far as I’m aware, having not checked Twitter in the last couple of hours) the Query Kombat picks haven’t yet been announced, I’m not holding my breath that I’ll get in They’ve announced the picks for Query Kombat and I didn’t get in, but I’m not surprised because what I submitted for a query was, well, not very good. Even I knew it, but I crossed my fingers and hit submit anyway. Huge congrats to everyone who made it in, though – out of something like 210 kontestants, only 64 made it through to the next round and I think 32 are being eliminated in the first cut. Pretty brutal, but pretty awesome, too. Good luck to everybody who made it in!
Anyway, as I was trolling Twitter the other day (and by trolling, I mean more like scrolling through my feeds, not being a troll), I happened across this from the lovely Stacey Trombley:
Hey #QueryKombat tweeps. I’m writing today but I’m in the mood to make friends. Anyone want me to read their queries? #QueryKombatSlush
— Stacey Trombley (@Trombolii) May 21, 2013
So I took her up on it! I’d missed out on a couple of twitcrit opportunities but, by gum, I wasn’t going to miss out on this! And Stacey’s remarks were fabulous. I knew my pitch had problems, and I even had something of a handle on what they were, but her suggestions helped me to really narrow down what I needed to work on and how. And any time someone tells you to imagine a movie trailer with a “cheesy, ridiculously low voice” speaking, well, that’s just guaranteed to make for a great working relationship. 😀
I tweaked and rewrote and asked for one more once-over, which had me confident I was on the right path…And then this morning I discovered I’d already drafted an entirely new pitch. Apparently I started from scratch last month, wrote a brand spankin’ new pitch, and then completely forgot about it. *rage face* It’s not bad, and there are parts that are good, but then there’s the final paragraph. The final sentence in particular is just dreadful. There are a couple bits that I really like, though, so this noon on my lunch break, I found myself back at the drawing board once more.
Now that I’ve rambled on for, well, probably too long, would you like to see my shiny spruced-up pitch? Of course you would! 😛 Behold, the new query pitch:
When his parents are slain by a ruthless monk, idealistic Vegin assumes control of his kingdom, Lokana. With his beloved wife at his side, he believes he can rid the kingdom of its ills, especially the class divisions his father’s rule deepened. But when Balil, the murderous monk, becomes High Priest of Lokana and threatens to destroy not only the monarchy but the royal family as well, Vegin questions his abilities. And he’s not alone.
Believing they are no longer safe, his wife disappears with their daughter in tow. Vegin vows to find them no matter the cost. But he’s not the only one looking for them: Balil has his followers scouring the countryside for his sister and niece. He thinks they’ve found a mythical portal to another world and he becomes obsessed with finding it for himself.
To save his family and reunite his kingdom, Vegin must defeat the high priest, but he’ll need help. With Zealots lurking in every shadow, his throne and his life depend on his success. But aid in Lokana is nowhere to be found.
So? What do you think – if you saw this in a bookstore, would you buy it? Let me know in the comments! And if you have any suggestions, feel free to leave those, too! 🙂
(c) 2013. All rights reserved.
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- How I Query (keystrokesandwordcounts.wordpress.com)
Suddenly they all died. The end. 
Not sure about the phrase ‘in tow’, Kay. It spoils the flow for me.
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How about, “…his wife grabs their daughter and disappears.”?
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I might be wrong, but it seems too long to me. We were told to get it down to 150 words max.
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On authonomy, you’re given 200 words to pitch your novel, plus 25 for the short pitch. I was told 200-250 is the sweet spot, but this one clocks in at 180.
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How about:
When his parents are killed, Vegin assumes control of their kingdom, only to be thrown into the same deadly conflicts they faced. Vegin must regain the trust of his wife and defeat his parents’ murderer, or risk losing not only his throne, but the future of the country, his life, and the lives of those who depend on him.
I haven’t sent any query letters yet, so take this with more grains of salt than you would anyway, but there are a lot of characters, facts and twists in your query, and after two readings I was still a little confused.
Best wishes. I like the serendipitous Twitter contact.
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts! Pitching is hard, harder even that writing a synopsis, I think. Cutting 350 pages of story down to 200 words and keeping it interesting is something I didn’t think I was woman enough to do a few years ago. But I’m learning. 😉
And the serendipitous Twitter contact was amazing. Twitter is awesome. 🙂
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Kay, good luck with your pitch…you can do it! I’m not a writer and I know I couldn’t do it. I liked what I read so far. I would agree that pitching is hard…so I bow to you. Thanks for having the courage to put you pitch out there for us to read and critique it! I agree finding the Twitter contact was amazing!
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Thank you! I’ve been querying for a while already, but this pitch is far and away better than what I’d been using. Revise, rinse, repeat is the name of the game, I think. So now that I’ve revised my pitch again, it’s time to finish revising those first pages and start submitting again while I work on the rest of what I’ve written. 😀
Thanks for stopping by, Vanessa!
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Reblogged this on Three hoodies save the world.
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Thank you, Roger! 🙂
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You’re welcome
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I enjoyed it and would be enticed to read it.
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Yay! 🙂 I’m glad you liked it. Writing these is such a challenge. I think it’s actually easier to write the book than it is to write the pitch. 😀
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