Top 10 Reasons You Should Be at Home Instead of on the Road

Well, the Class 3 Kill Storm arrived in the night and is even now shrieking outside my window with a passion even a banshee would envy (or possibly admire).  Since I didn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hades of getting to work today, I am snuggled up under my favorite down blanket while the boys play games and Seymour bakes Christmas cookies (I’m still sick – I have no business baking).

I’ve seen worse winter storms, but this one is truly nothing to sniff at.  I braved the weather to make a quick trip to the grocery store for chili supplies and go juice with a side trip to the gas station to procure some go juice for the snow blower as well, and it’s fierce out there.  I’m glad I decided to stay home today and not brave the weather all the way to work and back.  I’m even more glad that Seymour was able to turn around safely and make it back home after the snow plow he was following got stuck.  For the record, that was the third one this morning – two others went in the ditch just outside of town early this morning and the accident shut down the highway for a while.

But enough doom and gloom.  Today I’d like to share my Top Ten Reasons You Should Be at Home Instead of on the Road.  Though my intent is to entertain, I have been known to have a somewhat twisted sense of humor on occasion, so the following may or may not be universally amusing.  Therefore, if you find something you’re unsure how to interpret, please keep the following in mind:

There are other reasons I'll be taking a handbasket to the land of endless querying, but my warped sense of humor won't help matters.

There are other reasons I’ll be taking a handbasket to the land of endless querying, but my warped sense of humor won’t help matters.

I may delve into the realm of the serious from time to time as well.  You never know.

Top Ten Reasons You Should Be at Home Instead of on the Road

10. Because IDOT said so.
But let’s face it – since when has that ever stopped anyone from doing anything?

9. Because the meteorologists were wrong.  Again.
Only this time, they underestimated how much precipitation would fall.  Do you know how many shovels full of snow ten inches is?  I do, and I wish I didn’t.

8. Because four-wheel-drive doesn’t help you stop.
It might help you navigate the snow drifts now dotting the landscape like sand dunes in Egypt, but it won’t help you one bit when you come up to that stop sign a little faster than you intended to or when you go sliding right on past it like it never existed in the first place thanks to a patch of black ice hidden beneath the snow.

7. Because you needed a shovel to unbury your car.
And I don’t mean you needed a shovel to clear a path to your car.  I mean that when choosing a tool to clean the snow off your car, your choices were a shovel or an ice scraper and a shovel was the better option.

6. Because it’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
I think that pretty much says it all right there.

5. Because even in town, the visibility sucks.
Yes, even in town, with all the buildings and trees for windbreaks, the visibility still sucks.  Of course, when the wind is blowing 40 mph and there’s ten inches of snow on the ground, I’m lucky I can still see my neighbor’s house across the street.

4. Because the wind will steal your breath the way Bette Midler stole youth from the children of Salem in Hocus Pocus.
Seriously.  That wind’ll cut through your coat like a knife and leave you feeling more naked than you’ve ever felt in your life.  It’ll leave you panting and gasping for air like you just ran three miles uphill with a 40-lb. ruck thrown over your shoulders.

3. Because the highway is closed, thanks to the two snow plows who got stuck in the ditch.
But one managed to free the other, so it’s all good, right?  What’s that?  The highway’s still closed, even though the plows are now gone?  Oh.  Then I guess it’s not all good, is it?*

2. Because the road is drifting shut behind you.
Also, that snow plow you’re following is about to get stuck in a mountain of a drift.  So, you know, there’s that.

And finally, the Number One Reason You Should Be at Home Instead of on the Road:

1. Because there were twenty-five cars piled up on I-35.
At least one person died.  Seriously.  Just stay home.

*As far as I know, the drivers of the snow plows are both okay.

And that’s it for me.  Thanks to various awesome distractions, like watching White Christmas with Seymour and talking to Miss Tadpole on the phone for her birthday, this post has taken the better part of the day to compose.  And since that pesky fever’s back, it’s off to Comfy Blanket Land, where I will bliss out on warmth and good feelings and sleep.

I hope that, wherever y’all are at, you can say the same.

(c) 2012.  All rights reserved.

2 thoughts on “Top 10 Reasons You Should Be at Home Instead of on the Road

  1. tricia says:

    I’m glad you decided to stay home. All the reasons you listed are very compelling reasons to stay home. Yes, I know what it’s like to shovel ten inches of snow, though thankfully not this season (yet). We escaped this storm with high winds and a dusting of snow. Curl up, enjoy your family, and stay warm.


    • Kay Kauffman says:

      I’m glad you didn’t get dumped on, Tricia! It was so windy here that the roads drifted shut just as soon as the road crews plowed them open. It was nasty. I was so thankful I didn’t have to go anywhere yesterday; I felt rotten and it was a great day for staying home under a blanket.

      Two people died in that wreck in Hamilton County, though. I don’t know where they thought they needed to be so desperately, but I hope that they are safe, happy, and at peace wherever they are now.


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