First page critique blog hop!

The lovely and talented Michelle Hauck is running a blog hop to critique first pages and I am super excited to be taking part!  If you’d like to join in the fun, here’s the post with all the details.  Methinks the first page of The Price of Mercy could use a bit of help, but I’m not entirely sure where, so if you’ve got ideas on what would take it from blah to AMAZING, please, drop ’em in the comments below!

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Revision (The revised version is a bit longer than 250 words (think ~280), but I wanted to include everything I covered in the original entry, so you get an extra thirty words of fun). 🙂

Adult Fantasy

“Please, your Highness, have mercy.  I beg you.”

“I would very much like to, sir,” Prince Vegin said.  Light filtered into the gallery through twin rows of stained glass windows, exaggerating the poor farmer’s haggard appearance.  “I sympathize with you, but drought or no, you’ve still got taxes to pay.  I cannot simply let you go.”

“Your Highness, I’ll do anything – anything at all – only let me go back to my family.”  Dirty tears carved grooves through the layers of grime on his face, but hope shone in his eyes.

Before Vegin could reply, the chamber’s heavy wooden door burst open.  The prince flinched as his father stalked into the room, the queen trailing behind him.  King Tol’s gaze swept the room as the court fell to its knees.  The guards scattered about the room stood a little straighter, not wanting to provoke the king’s famous temper.  The peasant trembled before him, suddenly afraid for his life.  The prince groaned inwardly – he hated fighting with his father, especially in public.

“Vegin!”  Tol’s voice boomed through the chamber.  “If you’re not going to sentence this man, I’ll be more than happy to do it for you.”

The prince’s eyes narrowed.

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Photo 365 #93

Alas, poor pencil, you’ve served me well:

sadpencil

I’ve had this pencil for at least a decade (perhaps slightly longer).  I’ve written more stories with it than I can count, and a fair few books, too.  Sadly, it cannot be replaced – while they still make this particular model, the grip is no longer smooth, but patterned, and it irritates my fingers after a while.  Luckily, I’ve got a backup, but one day it, too, will go the way of its brother, and then I’ll be forced to replace it with the patterned grip pencil that I don’t like.

Of course, the patterned grip is still better than the dozens of other mechanical pencil styles available.

Rest in peace, oh pencil mine.  You’ve earned it.

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